From Disney to Spidey to Tarantino, The Geek has lots to look forward to
Friends and neighbors, at the time of this writing, yours truly has still not had the time or the opportunity to see “Avengers: Endgame.” If at any moment during this piece of fluff you find yourself thinking, “Why didn’t he make this obvious reference to ‘Endgame’ after saying this or that?” well I can tell you it was not my intention to hurt you or to sully my good name, and in the future, or the past, I will take these things more seriously.
Well, the cool breeze of winter has headed north for good and the rancid heat has overtaken this swamp we call home. That must mean it’s time for the Summer edition of the Geek’s Guide. Listen, I’m not going to talk about “Toy Story 4.” It’s just not going to happen. I’m going to see it. You’re going to see it. We’re all going to see it. What do you want from me? Let’s just move on. It’s a whole thing now.
The Dead Don’t Die — First up on the list is a tried and true recipe for a summer blockbuster: grumpy old indie director and grumpy old comedic actor get together to make a zombie movie. I mean if you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all, but I’m still excited to see if Jim Jarmusch and Bill Murray can breathe some life into this old Hollywood standby. They’ll be joined by Adam “I’m in everything” Driver and the incomparable Chloë Sevigny, who will star alongside Murray as the sheriffs department of a small town overrun with hordes of the undead. Ghouls if you will. I’m not gonna lie to you, you’ll probably have to drive to Houston for this one, but at least you could make a day of it maybe. Get some Greek food or something, maybe go to a museum. It’s your call, honestly.
Spider-Man: Far From Home — I’m really excited for this one, no jokes or funny yet passive aggressive comments at all. Jake Gyllenhal is playing Mysterio, y’all! This is insanity. I’ve always wanted Mysterio in a film. He’s made for the big screen. A disgruntled special effects artist uses his knowledge of smoke and mirrors to, well, usually to rob banks or steal some kinda crazy chemical or isotope. Look, Mysterio wasn’t always the purest of souls, and he might not have the relatable motivations of someone like say, the Vulture, but Christ man you gotta give him a chance. He’s trying his best here, y’know?
Once Upon a Time in Hollywood — The ninth film by Quentin Tarantino and his fourth period piece in a row, this story centers around Hollywood in 1969 and how the case of Charles Manson affected the lives of actors and stuntmen working in the Southland. Honestly, this is the film I’m looking forward to the most. Actors dealing with one of their own being dragged into a murderous cult is essentially ticking almost all the boxes in Tarantino bingo.
Fast & Furious: Hobbs and Shaw — So back when I was in college, Vin Diesel made this movie about a crew of street racers that were also part-time thieves. Real low level stuff, truckloads of electronics, that sort of thing. So if you were wondering, apropos of nothing, how long it takes a franchise about street racing thieves to go from stealing DVD players to genetically and cybernetically enhancing humans and turning them into super villains, the answer is nine movies. Nine. That’s eight films in the original franchise and one spin off. Don’t get me wrong I’m going to see it, but if they don’t literally steal the moon in the next one, I don’t even know what we’re doing here anymore.
The New Mutants — Now this is a weird one because it might not be released at all. The story behind this film is probably more interesting than the actual motion picture. You see a few years ago, Fox wanted to branch out in their X-Men franchises so they decided to make a horror film centered around young mutants in an asylum. Then Disney bought Fox in the middle of shooting, and after filming had wrapped, Fox, who were in no place to be shifting chess pieces, ordered reshoots. After the reshoots were finished, it seemed the film had turned from a horror along the lines of “The Conjuring” into an out-and-out thriller. The release date was pulled, and then suddenly after the merger with Disney and Fox finalized, the film was put back on schedule as a summer release. But rumors persist that the film could be shelved again and possibly never see the light of day. So, basically, enter at your own risk.
Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark — Everybody’s got that book. The one from when you were a kid that you can still conjure up images of. You can see the cover, that black and white drawing, the black border with the red and black letters. The pages, mostly prose, every few pages another piece of art. The thing is, for a lot of us born in the ’80s, that book was “Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark.” I’ve literally never met a person within five years of my age on either side that hasn’t heard of these books. We lined up at the book fair to get our hands on one of the three in the series. We held them in high regard, still keeping them on our shelves in middle school and high school. We tell the stories over and over, at bonfires, on late night road trips, at parties on porches surrounded by drunken idiots. They’re a part of us, generationally speaking, and I’m hoping that the filmmakers can do these tales justice. I’m hoping they can make me afraid of the dark again.
Aladdin/The Lion King — This is pretty much money in the bank for Disney at this point, right? Just take a film you’ve already made, make it again with a more famous cast, and that’s literally all you have to do. Now granted they are a huge company, and these two are just two of the literal hundreds of projects they are churning out every year, but mother of a son of a bitch, I’m just asking for a summer blockbuster that isn’t so safe. Am I asking for too much from the Mouse or not enough? I never know.
And that wraps it up, friends and neighbors. That should keep you in an air conditioned room at least a few weekends here and there, and what more could you ask for from a lowly film geek such as myself. If you need me, I’ll be writing the kind folks at Blue Bell a letter for their tireless efforts in keeping my temperature down this summer.
Mahalo!
Commentary by ISSUE contributor Jeff Dixon, who is pretty sure we’re spiraling toward the dystopian future of “Robocop.” At least he hopes so. “Handmaid’s Tale” seems like a bummer